A Malleable Reality.

I do not know if anyone else has loved somebody with all that he/she has. 

This is mainly why everything has been so hard for me. From the looks of things, "we" are a lost cause. I am trying to run away from the pain through friends. This works, but only for so often. There is the sad truth that even friends cannot be there all the time because they, too, have lives to live. During these times where I sit alone, I face my misery and cry. This sucks but it's just how it is. I cannot play the strong card and pretend. Because I am not strong enough despite what everybody else says. I fail to grasp the belief that anyone ever is.

But it really was my fault. Had I not been how I was, things would never have gone the way the have. What we had was beautiful and I ruined it slowly, like poison. Until the day came when I woke up and the man who loved me more than anything was all used up. Fed up. Gone. Distant. I cannot really blame him for how he has become now. I turned a wonderful thing into a tiring routine of quarreling and broken hearts. But this is not to say that I did not do all that I could do to make up for it. Because I did, and I did so quite clearly. Sadly, though, as he puts it -- it's too late. So I guess that's it. A sad ending courtesy of myself and no one else.

I am weighing my options and frankly, I cannot let other people [my family included] down. So, I'll stay [here] however hard it might be. I will try to keep focused on working, though I know that it would not be easy. I will try. To fill the gaps I am still thinking about what to do with all the free time I now have (since before this I only really work one to two hours a day, tops, and still make a good earning). Maybe I'll try something else. Maybe I won't. As of now, I really do not know. 

I loved and I got hurt. Again. It would have been a hell lot easier since I have been in these shoes many times before. But I realize now that a girl never really learns much no matter how numerous her heartaches are to date. We're a stubborn bunch.

The greatest problem is that we live together, and there is no contesting that. There is no valid argument. We live in the same home, sleep in the same bed, share the same closet, have the same hamper. We breathe the same air, feel the same heat. So what now?

I don't know. Maybe I'll keep loving him. Maybe I'll keep hoping. Maybe someday he would be nothing more than another roommate. We may even end up as [good?] friends. 

All these questions! And all there is is but one answer: I don't know. Quite frankly, right now, I'm okay with that. The pain is constant but that's good. It reminds me I am human, not some demigod, all powerful and shit. And one day, I will forget about it. Or at least, how it feels. 

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